(I wrote this in August of 2014 following the suicide of Robin Williams. After the tragic suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain this week, I felt like we needed this article again. JAP)
The tunnel was dark, black, and bleak. Not right. If there was a tunnel, there might be an exit, and light ahead, and if there is light, hope exists for an escape. No, it feels like no hope exists. It’s not a tunnel but a prison, with a lifetime sentence and no chance for parole. The darkness, blackness, and bleakness felt heavy, like a thick fog, disabling your vision. Or the darkness, blackness, and bleakness is pounding like a rainstorm, so strong you cannot see the road before you. It felt heavy, like a hundred pound weight strapped around your neck, and every step takes all your effort. Inches for everyone else is miles for you. The message you hear between your ears is loud and clear, like an announcer at a stadium for all to hear,
“You are a failure!
You are worthless!
You are unloved!
The world is better off without you!”
Do you remember the video from the 9-11 attacks? The planes struck the World Trade Center, the fire consumed the buildings and they were about to fall. People, hundreds of people, were trapped in the building. If they stayed where they were, they would have either been consumed by the smoke and fire, or become the rubble from the fallen building. Some 200 people saw no other option, and in order to escape the inferno, they jumped to their deaths.
Depression is the silent killer. It feels like you’re living in a dark hole, and no hope of escape reveals itself. No one loves you, and if they knew you they would hate you, so the depressed person believes. Suicide is rationalized as the only means possibly of escaping the hole. Reports tell us that about 10% of the American population suffers from depression (10% is probably a low estimate). Do the math, make the count; at least one in every 10 people you know probably suffers from depression, and its cause is varied in form: chemical imbalance, medications, chronic illness, sedentary lifestyles, abuse, ADHD, life setbacks, alcohol etc.
The outward signs of our lives may have nothing to do with the inside of our hearts. The perceived success in business or in beauty only cover up the failure and ugliness realized within our own lives. I once sat with a successful, beautiful middle aged woman and talked. From the outside looking in, she had everything: A respected business, a godly husband, wonderful children, a spiritual depth to be admired, and she looked ten years younger than her age. However, out of the depths something was swelling. “I fight it every day,” she confessed. “What’s that?” I wondered. “Depression. Sometimes getting out of bed takes all my energy.” She continued to explain, “I would never commit suicide,” a long pause emerged as she tried to find the right words, “but every night I pray that God will give me a heart attack while I sleep so that I will not have to wake up in the morning.”
I wanted to dismiss her feelings and tell her to “snap out of it,” but you cannot simply snap out of depression. I wanted to minimize her pain by telling her to listen to more upbeat, praise songs, but her heart needed to read more of the Lament Psalms. I wanted to ignore her journey and tell her that the road will get better, but what she needed to know was that God would continue to give her the strength to face each day.
Depression is a heavy burden, and those who suffer from it often hide the symptoms, and they’re often experts at hiding the symptoms. They can make you laugh and be the life of the party. They have good days, and they have bad days – and when they have bad days, it seems that they’re strung together like stringed popcorn wrapped endlessly around the Christmas tree. They feel very weak, but demonstrate a strong faith by bravely facing each enclosing storm. Sometimes those suffering from depression just need to know you care, that you love them, and that “God’s grace is sufficient, for his power is made perfect in weakness.”
My name is Jon Partlow. I am your minister. I have battled depression since 1999, and my life has been A Maze in Grace.
Solo Deo Gloria!
(i.e. only God is glorified!)