Families shape individual identity, provide a safe and secure environment for growth, and help nurture faith. Unfortunately, families can also disfigure an individual’s identity through a distorted reality by exposing members to dangerous environments which destroy faith. Where the family is supposed to be a haven, sometimes the best and safest move is step away from that family. Saul’s son, Jonathan, pivoted away from his family and by doing so, stepped into righteousness.
The first King of Israel was Saul, and his son, Jonathan, was heir to the throne. This man was gifted, godly and full of goodness. We remember Jonathan for two events that defined his character. First, he was loyal to David, defending his honor even before his father (1 Sam. 20:32-34). Not only was he willing to protect David, but he was just as free to sacrifice his future spot on the throne to serve under David’s rule (1 Sam. 23:17). Secondly, Jonathan ate honey against his father’s commands (1 Sam. 14:24-30). Not only had Jonathan violated the king’s edict, but he called out his father’s own foolishness for the imposed mandate (1 Sam. 14:29-30).
Jonathan demonstrated an ability to differentiate himself from his family or his father, exercising a skill many people lack.
Psychologists tell us that most family dynamics hold the extremes. On one side families are enmeshed with each other by living in the “too much.” The unit is so tightly woven that individuals lose their own identity to the larger family. No one is allowed to make their own decisions or to speak with their own voice. If a child is sick, then everyone has to be present for support. Your business is everyone’s business.
On the other side families are disengaged with each other by living in the “not enough.” They don’t have enough time for each other. Long dry spells where members fail to speak to each other occur. When they do speak, it quickly escalates into shouting matches. Decisions are made without consideration for the larger family. If someone in the family unit is sick, no one else will know about it. And even if people did know, they don’t care about the family enough to show concern. Everyone is on their own.
Somewhere in the middle, between this “too much” and “not enough,” is the person and/or family that is able to differentiate between enmeshment and disengagement. They fit into the family unit without sacrificing their individual identity. They understand their place in the family without infringing on their own vision and dreams for themselves. As time changes and people mature, so is the willingness to allow roles in the family to grow and develop as well.
While it’s nearly impossible to impose psychology on people or families in the Bible – we usually don’t have enough information – it’s clear that Jonathan was anything but enmeshed with his father. He was able to separate himself from the paternal negative influence, while seemingly able to maintain a healthy relationship with him. While he never burned his bridges to Saul, he never blindly followed because he was the King or his father. Where he needed to, he challenged his father in his motive with David or in endangering the men around him in battle.
Jonathan models something for us in our families and in our church families. Healthy relationships means we can lean on each other and know that we have the physical, emotional and spiritual support needed to survive a difficult world. We also have the confidence to be ourselves by choosing what is right.
Most families and church families struggle to reach that balance. A lack of trust leads to control issues, rule-making and discouraging any form of free thinking because it’s viewed as a threat. Or in the other extreme boundaries are violated on a regular basis so as no one is emotionally invested in anyone anymore. Neither places are healthy for families or for church families.
Maybe we should take our cues from God and Jesus. Look at the relationship between the two and the freedom with the connection they held together. Then look at the way they related to humanity. They care enough to call and chase after humanity, even pleading for us to come back them. But they never use guilt, coercion or manipulation to dictate the relationship. They always allowed free choice to drive the relationship. Always. It’s harder. It’s messier. But it lies somewhere between “too much” and “not enough.”
Soli Deo Gloria!
(i.e., only God is glorified!)