Parenting from the Pew
Watching your children sleeping, seeing their faces light up when they open Christmas presents, and being the recipient of their unconditional love only touches the hem of joy a parent experiences. Cleaning up after a sick child, teaching them boundaries and correcting behavior tends to elevate the stress and the blood pressure in a parent’s life. Where we’d like to say that church attendance falls under the first category, the truth is it manages to fall under the latter category.
The worship service promises an uplifting experience; the saved are gathered, they commune at the Supper, songs fill the building with hope, and friends call each other “brother” and “sister.” Still, we rarely check our problems and struggles at the door. The burdens from the work-week are carried over into church. The loved one is still sick. COVID hovers over everything like a black cloud. The family arguments do not magically dissolve in the parking-lot. And children will challenge parental authority, even at church (e.g., try explaining to a two or three-year-old why they cannot have the “cracker” mommy and daddy are eating). Thus, the promise of an uplifting experience often dissipates into a frustrating, painful hour.
All of us as parents have experienced such frustrations. They seem to begin before leaving home as we try to feed, dress, and get the children ready for church; no doubt, the new outfit will have a spill on it before walking out the door. The worship hour seems ill-spent as the time is consumed keeping the children silent, still, and satisfied. Walking through the church doors is often filled with discouraging thoughts, wondering what was accomplished. And who experiences a meaningful time at the Lord’s Supper while trying to keep the children calm and subdued?
Sometimes we need to be reminded of the good we’re doing as parents. Perspective can help us view the situation differently or at least positively. But offering advice is like the young minister without children preaching a sermon entitled The 10 Commandments for Parenting. When he and his wife started a family, he changed the sermon to The 10 Suggestions for Parenting. And when his children reached the teenage years, he threw the sermon into the trash. Raising children is hard work with plenty of setbacks. With no manual in hand, easy answers do not exist.
Find peace in God’s grace. Few children will be the twelve year-old Jesus lost in Jerusalem only to be found at the temple. Actually most will push for their own identity while pressing the boundaries parents have set. It’s normal. Remember, if God were the “parent” for Adam and Eve, even he struggled to keep his “children” in line. So we continue shaping and molding their character by pointing them to Jesus.
Connect the dots between church and home. What happens at church needs further teaching, discussion and reinforcement at home. Both what they studied in Bible class and what the preacher talked about in the sermon are easy points of spiritual engagement, even for children. Parents and children praying together with reading or sharing a Bible story creates a spiritual bond. Frame life’s teaching moments as living for God, much like in Deuteronomy 6:7-9. Possibly the two worst approaches are parents saying nothing about God or church in the home, and the parents who say disparaging words in front of the children about church. Both are spiritual killers.
Children spot the hypocrisy. It doesn’t take long for them to see how much or how little Christ means to their parents. A child was once sitting next to his father during the sermon, having an epiphany, turned to him and said, “Hey Dad! He’s talking about you.” All parents have that moment. The child spots the inconsistency and innocently draws attention to the parents’ flaw. The real question is, what happens next?
“People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.’’ (Mk. 10:13-14)
Soli Deo Gloria!
(i.e., only God is glorified!)
Cry Out to the Lord
Facing Our Enemies
While Lucy was hardly a fan of Snoopy, the beagle only had two enemies; one was real and the other played out in his imagination. The first one was the cat next door. During the fifty years Schulz penned the comic, we never saw this phantom menace. We only saw the results of his aggressive attack on Snoopy – a chunk of his dog house, missing in the final frame with the remaining section in the shape of a cat’s claw.
The other enemy was the World War I Flying Ace’s nemesis, the Red Baron. Whenever the Ace was sent on patrol, he inevitably crossed paths with the Baron, and the fighting ensued. They both had missions, and they’re both roadblocks to clearing the skies of the enemy. In every meeting, the fighting was intense; machine guns fired at rapid speed. In every meeting, the Ace’s Sopwith Camel was flacked with bullets, and the Ace was usually shot down behind enemy lines.
I’m not sure what to make of Snoopy’s antagonists. Concerning the cat, Snoopy usually egged on the conflict by making ridiculing remarks to his neighbor. He pays a price for it in the damage to his home. Concerning the Red Baron, while he was historically a real and successful German fighter pilot in WWI, he is only as real as Snoopy’s imagination. If the Ace had actually shot down the Baron, who would he fight the next time he went on patrol? So it’s easier to take a hit, keep the Baron alive, and feed his anger towards him.
Isn’t that true with anyone you consider your enemy? Let’s keep the fuel of fire against them burning as long as we can, because we’re defining our strengths against their shortcomings. Let’s dehumanize our enemy because it makes it easier to hate them. Like in war, let’s draw clear battle-lines and assume our position is always right and their position is always wrong, and let’s bring God into the arena where we assume he takes our side.
Maybe that’s what makes Jesus’ words so radical. While the Israelites thought the command from Leviticus 19:18, “Love your neighbor,” justified hating one’s enemy, Jesus clarified the command. Hatred, and the feeding of hate, was never justified. In fact, he sets the bar even higher by commanding us to “love our enemies” (Mt. 5:44a), and if that’s not hard enough, he adds, “pray for those who persecute you” (Mt. 5:44b). Where the world calls for an “eye for eye” mentality (Mt. 5:38 quoting Ex. 21:23 & Lev. 24:20, which was a statement made for judges and courts to rule fairly, not for permission to taken the law into one’s hands), Jesus calls for compassion. In this way we’re facing our enemy.
Jesus’ call crosses every line we’ve drawn in the sand, or every barrier we’ve erected to keep us divided. Where “facing our enemy” used to mean squaring off to fight, he redefines it through the service of loving and praying for our enemies. How do we defuse the racial tension? By “facing our enemies” with love and prayer. How do we bridge the anger between the social economic chasms? By “facing our enemies” with love and prayer. How do we respond to those who have hurt us with malicious intent? By “facing our enemies” with love and prayer.
This kind of life demands faith. Faith leading to kindness and gentleness prevails in a world filled with destruction and retaliation. This kind of faith trusts God with the future, and does not make him choose a side. This kind of faith allows us to face our enemy with all courageousness, as God’s Spirit begins to work in us and through us to his glory.
On the night before Israel was to begin the conquest of Canaan, the purist vision of a Holy War, Joshua encounters a man with a drawn sword. When Joshua confronts the man, asking which side he was on, the angelic being answered, “Neither, but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come” (Josh. 6:13b-14). In a clear moment where God was granting victory to Israel to destroy Jericho, they’re reminded that just because they will win this battle, doesn’t mean God cared nothing for the people of Jericho. A big difference exists between God granting a victory over people, and God’s choosing a side in the battle.
One of my favorite Christmas songs as a child was by The Royal Guardsmen, and the song arose out of the famous World War I Christmas truce of 1914. In the song, Snoopy faces off with the Red Baron, and in the dog-fight, Snoopy loses. The Red Baron forces him to land behind enemy lines, where, instead of being taken prisoner, or worse, the Baron pops champagne and celebrates Christmas with his enemy. Ironically, it’s not our hero schooling us on how to face our enemies, but it’s the enemy showing us how to love one another.
bonum dolar!
(i.e., Good Grief!)
Been There Before
Extreme Measures: The Cost of Discipleship
“If your right hand causes you to sin, cut if off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell” (Mt. 5:30).
I do not believe I’ve ever seen someone walking around without a hand who claimed they cut it off to save their soul. Most who read these verses in Matthew 5 lean more toward hyperbole interpretation and less to a literal one. In other words, Jesus isn’t really telling us to cut off our hands, because if he were, we’d have a bunch of people running around missing their hands. So if Jesus is not literally telling us to cut off our hands when we sin, what is he trying to tell us?
The Sermon on the Mount is Matthew 5-7, and many believe that these chapters comprise the essence or core of discipleship. I tend to agree with that assessment. I’ve also seen how moments in these chapters resurface later in Matthew’s gospel. In other words, these chapters are both key to Matthew’s gospel and to the Christian faith.
Matthew 5:30 is part of five illustrations where Jesus exposes the unrighteous behavior of the Pharisees’ so-called “righteousness” (5:20). The Pharisees may not have broken the 6th Commandment, but the hatred filling their hearts could have led to murder (5:21-26). They may not have physically broken the 7th Commandment, but they wanted to (5:27-32). They created acceptable rules and reasons for breaking one’s promise (5:33-37). They advocated personal revenge (5:38-42). And they justified hating their enemies (5:38-48). Jesus wasn’t attacking the Law, but he was attacking the way they bent the Law to excuse their sinful behavior.
So as Jesus addresses adultery (5:27-32), he is combatting a twisted view of Scripture that rationalizes lust as long as one never physically commits adultery. Nowhere in the Old Testament was God’s intent to create a venue for sin. That in and of itself stands against his own nature. Moses never told Israel that it was ok with God for you to be driven by lustful desires as long as you never act on them. For those who actually believed and/or taught such a premise, they neither knew nor understood God.
Some two thousand years have passed since Jesus gave these instructions, and we find ourselves almost a world away from his original audience. If we compare modern American society to ancient Palestine, the moral decline is shocking. Redefining modesty, marketing products with sex, lewd images at our fingertips and an entire industry driven by pornography produces millions of dollars a year. No wonder lust is a losing battle. That said, compared to some ancient Gecko-Roman cities, America’s battle with the explicit sexual images might still be seen as tame. Either way, it’s still a temptation to battle.
Jesus’ teaching on lust includes two strong messages often glossed over. First, lust has eternal consequences. The call to gouge out an eye or to cut off a hand is clearly hyperbole, though the damage lust does to the mind and heart cannot be understated. Studies are confirming that the dehumanization of women through pornography deteriorates the relationship between the husband and wife. By continuingly going into such a dark place creates a foothold for darker thoughts to prevail. So Jesus says to take extreme measures to ensure your heart remains pure, because more is at stake than a moment of pleasure: your very soul is at stake.
Secondly, take responsibility for your thoughts. Jesus clearly puts the burden of purity, not on the women, but on the men, “. . . anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in her heart” (Mt. 5:28). While modesty, as well as the messaging sent through dress, is an important discussion to have, the focus of this text is on the man. We have the power to look away and to stop the fantasy before it even starts.
I don’t believe I’ve ever seen an eye gouged out or a hand cut off as a preventive measure of stopping lust from taking hold. I did hear about Billy Graham ripping the cable cord from his hotel room to prevent him from succumbing to temptation. He confessed that he’d rather pay for the remodel job on the room than to discredit his ministry and vow to his wife. Maybe that’s the extreme measures Jesus had in mind.
Soli Deo Gloria!
(i.e., only God is glorified!)
I Needed You Most
Beyond Guilt and Shame
Head buried in his hands. Sitting alone on a bench. Paper lunch bag holding an uneaten peanut butter sandwich. School filled with children. Charlie Brown without his dog or a friend. I don’t know the narrative behind the scene. Did Lucy and her friends just call him, “Blockhead,” or did he fail to impress the Little Red-Haired Girl? While I’m inclined to believe the latter, the result is another moment when Charlie Brown was shamed.
So much of Schulz emerged from Charlie Brown; did you notice they had the same first name? Schulz may well have been the greatest cartoonist to pen a daily strip. He certainly inspired a generation of cartoonists to take up the cause. He also had his own set of insecurity demons, and when reading about his personal story, you find him living between guilt and shame. Not without some irony, the same traits could be found in a boy named Charlie Brown.
But Schulz and Charlie Brown aren’t far from the only ones who struggle with those demons. From the earliest recorded memories of mankind, guilt and shame have tag-teamed humanity. When Adam and Eve realized they were naked in the garden, and more importantly, before God, they made makeshift clothing out of fig leaves and hid themselves (Gen. 3:7). The text doesn’t say why they chose to make the clothes and go into hiding, but filling in the blanks is easy: they sinned against God and felt bad about the sin they committed.
Guilt and shame. The two are easily linked. Together they serve a purpose. They cause great spiritual and emotional discomfort in order to draw us back to God. So when we’ve committed sin and feel the guilt and shame, its purpose is to drive us to repentance, refusing to commit that sin again, and to draw us closer to God. Unfortunately, like the fallen world we live in, it doesn’t always work out that way.
Guilt can have three components to it, and certainly what follows is an over simplification of guilt. First, we experience Real Guilt when we commit a sin or cross a boundary and the sting is felt. You’ve done wrong and you know you’ve done wrong. You lost your temper and unloaded your anger on your child. When the dust settles, you recognize the damage on your child and ask forgiveness from him/her. Secondly, we experience Repressed Guilt when we commit a sin or cross a boundary but instead of feeling the sting of wrong, we’ve compartmentalize our life in such a way as to avoid dealing with the guilt. Unfortunately (or fortunately), eventually what is repressed makes its way to the surface of our lives. What is hidden or buried, like rubber tires in a landfill, cannot stay hidden and buried forever. Once the repressed guilt surfaces, the damage can be felt. Finally, we experienced False Guilt when we do not commit a sin or cross a boundary but feel the sting of wrong as if we did. Usually, False Guilt has an outside element to it by other people’s own insecurities and character flaws projected ourselves. As a minister, I’ve discovered numerous times when people refuse to deal with their own sin, but they’ll project their problems onto the leadership. Sadly, they’ll blame me or someone else for their own guilt.
Guilt and shame have their place in the redemptive story, but can be abused. Using guilt and shame as a form of motivation may have a desirable short-term result, but its long-term impact is negative. Not only does guilt and shame create an environment of fear, it never moves you out of fear. It burdens you. It weighs you down. (see Em Griffith, The Mind Changers). Guilt and shame, as motivators, trap the victim in a perpetual cycle of fear, making one believe he/she is never “good enough” for God’s grace, or that God’s grace is always out of reach.
God does not want us to live our lives encumbered by guilt and shame. He wants to relieve the burden (Jn. 3:16-17). He wants to lead his people beyond guilt and shame where hope, love, mercy, and grace are found (Rom. 8:1). God’s desire is for his transforming power to change our lives so that guilt and shame no longer act as the decisive and/or defining factor in our lives. If he can remove the guilt and shame from the worst of sinners (1 Tim. 1:15), what can he do for you? Or, case of Adam and Eve, we find grace as he made garments out of skin to replace their leaves (Gen. 3:21)?
Charlie Brown, sitting alone on the bench with his head in his hands, has an emotive look to it. Not because it’s a two dimensional cartoon character, but because we’ve all been there. Hope does not arrive because of a boy named Charlie Brown, but because of a Savior named Jesus Christ.
bonum dolar!
(i.e., Good Grief!)
Kind Acts
Casting a Long Shadow: Discipleship’s Call to Carry A Cross
As I sat listening to the speaker address a room full of teenagers, I was mesmerized by his message. On the table before him were placed multiple types of crosses. A rugged six foot cross made from tree branches. A dainty necklace pendant. A table-top cross suitable for an executive desk. A bookmark with John 3:16 written on it. A decorative wall hanging with the name, Jesus, as the cross beam.
Referencing Luke 9:23, the speaker called the young people to pick up their cross and follow Jesus. One by one individuals from the audience came to the speaker, accepting the invitation with a desiring passion to pick up their cross. But when the speaker showed them which cross they had to bear – the one with their own name on it – none were willing to carry that cross. The petite girl wanted to wear the necklace, not carry the six foot cross; it was too heavy. The burly young man was hoping to muscle the big cross, but his name was attached to the book mark; he didn’t like reading. So one by one the individuals responded to the call, but they each wanted to pick their own cross. Each wanted to follow Jesus on their own terms.
And isn’t that where we live? We want to follow Jesus, as long as we set the conditions. We’re willing to give, but unwilling to sacrifice. We talk about forgiveness while harboring ill will toward individuals. We discuss submission scenarios while demanding our own way. We demand attendance to the assembly takes priority until it’s no longer prioritized in our lives; everything else in life takes precedent. We cry out for mercy, but demand justice when looking at others. We say we embrace humility while our pride stands in our way. We’ve convinced ourselves that we can gain the whole world and have Jesus at the same time. We’ll take up a cross as long as we get to choose which cross, when to carry it and where we’ll take it. When we do that, it’s not the cross we’re carrying, it’s just a shadow of the cross.
So the speaker continued his message, and refused to randomly hand out crosses that belonged to someone else. Fleshing out the Lukan context, he told us how Christ had to suffer and face a horrible death at the hands of the Jewish leadership. He then added the irony of those saving their lives will actually lose it, but those who lose their lives for Jesus will save it (Lk. 9:25). Jesus had to pick up his cross and he’s asking us to pick up ours. The speaker ended by reminding the audience that we don’t set the terms for discipleship, Jesus does.
I sat there enthralled by the message. Captivated. As a sixth grader I was still too young for the youth group. My presence at the assembly came because my home congregation was hosting the event and my mom was helping with the food. I sat on the floor next to mom as if I was sitting on the edge of a chair, soaking in every word being spoke. Some 40 years have passed but that moment is as clear in my mind as if it happened 40 days ago.
As the high school students rejected the cross, I remember thinking to myself, “I’ll carry it. I’ll carry the cross of Jesus! I don’t care what the cross looked like or felt like, I’m willing to carry any cross for Jesus.” That’s what was running through my mind, but something else was telling me that the message was preplanned. Those volunteering had rehearsed their roles to help drive home the speaker’s message. So I just sat there in my innocence, watching the events unfold before me. Secretly, I wanted to come forward to get my cross.
Sure enough, the same individuals relented and repented. One by one they came back to the speaker. Humbly and with contrition, they were willing to pick up the very cross that had their name on it. With broken pride, they claimed the cross Jesus wanted them to bear. They were now following Jesus, not on their terms, but on his terms.
While the messages ended with resolution, as it should, we live with the tension. Are we following Jesus on our terms or his? Maybe that’s why Luke adds the word “daily” (Lk. 9:23) to the charge to pick up your cross. For every day, and even every moment, we decided if our following Jesus is genuine or coming with conditions. One is substance. The other simply casts a long shadow on our discipleship.
Soli Deo Gloria!
(i.e., only God is glorified!)